The Holidays are not my favorite time of year. I can’t remember a time when I thought of them as anything but a chore, or heartache. Perhaps that has to do with the family I grew up with. I remember very little of my childhood, except for a few select memories. I remember one year getting flatsy dolls, glamorous dolls with pink or blue hair they were flat and bendable. The other was a Chrissy doll, one in which you could shorten or lengthen her hair with a button or a string.
But those are things. Things aren’t what make memories. People, family, are what make memories. Most of my memories are horrible, whether it be the holidays or any other day. I do not make a habit of talking about my past because it is painful. I am working on that one piece at a time. Writing my memoirs is cathartic at the very least. But I digress.
I have a very tiny little blue tinsel tree sitting on top the DVR. I have sent gifts and packages to people I care for. I have also sent cards. I thought that would leave me feeling, well, happy about the holidays. After all, you should be happy to give to others right? That’s what I have always thought anyway. Giving is important. Perhaps what I think I am looking for is more of a simple acknowledgment of the giving Perhaps it is because with the few exceptions, such as my wonderful man Bruce, and his kids, I seem to give and give and give, and give. And I admit that sometimes Bruce does so much more for me than I deserve. He is the most generous of men. He is the spirit of the holiday even though he is a scrooge. In reality he gives so much more all during the year.
Perhaps one of the things I am looking for is the family that abandoned me, threw me away, that denied my existence for over 30 years. I think about these things every year at this time. Not that I don’t think about these things at other times, sometimes way too often. Happily, I have just reconnected with my brother after 30 plus years, plus his wife and my niece and nephew. Bruce and I spent Thanksgiving with them.
I think about what family means, and who I am, and do I give too much? I don’t have the answers. I don’t know if I ever will have the answers. All I can say is I will continue to look, seek out those answers.
I am lucky I have a wonderful man in my life who I know loves me. I have two great step children whom I adore, and I believe love me in return. I now have my brother again and his beautiful family. Today is Christmas Eve. A time for family and friends. A time to make new memories. It is not always easy, I still think about my mom and dad. But I have to move on. It is a time for cheer, maybe a drink, a toast to the year ahead.
Not everyone has those things. This is not a happy day or days as the case may be for many. We need to think about those that have no one, have nothing. Here is to happiness and joy and my sincerest wish that those who have none will find someone in the coming year. Whatever you celebrate this time of year, may the coming one bring some comfort, health, happiness, prosperity, and love, we should never forget love.