Friday, June 27, 2014

Top Ten Ways to Avoid a Zombie By Peter Welmerink

(In the World of TRANSPORT)


1.    Ride upon an enormous armored vehicle bristling with Caliber-.30 and Caliber-.50 machine guns, gunners who aren’t afraid to fight, a commander who will find a way out of a FUBAR’d situation, and a driver who can maneuver 72 tons of dual-wheeled, heavy-tracked, diesel-fueled death like she’s driving a sports car.

2.    Stay in your warm and cozy little sofa box-sized apartment on the east side of the river, and let the Military handle all the dirty work.

3.    Eat some of the doped meat-slop the local neighborhood zombies ingest. The smell will make them think you are one of them. However, it is suggested to get out of the area as soon as possible before the morphine and benzodiazepines kick in. HARD. You don’t want to wake up in the same place in which you slipped into a drug-induced haze, that is, if you’re not mistaken for a pile of food, and wake up gnawed and dead.

4.    Hide in Bob the Zombie Gas Station Attendant’s garage. If you can speak Zomb and “talk” about the 1950’s, he’ll let you stay there indefinitely.

5.    Climb a tree and stay there until the dead lose interest. (Good luck.) The squirrels are harmless, but watch out for birds…some still carry a strain of H7N9 which started the whole darn apocalypse event.

6.    Get a box big enough to fit in, cut holes out for your feet, and get in. Cover the top so your head doesn’t show, and then walk around. This was suggested by one of my kids. Amazing as it may sound, he has never played Metal Gear Solid.

7.    Throw a rock at something that will make a lot of noise when hit. While the rotting rovers go one way, you run like hell in the other direction. If you want to stick around, try throwing a rock in a deep pool of water and watch the undead pursue, flounder and “drown.” Note: Not recommended if you are within the city limits, specifically the UCRA (Urban…undead…Civilian Retention Area). You will be fined and potentially imprisoned for cruelty to living citizens zombified relations.

8.    Become one. Avoid a zombie by becoming one.

9.    A pair of AA-12 semi-automatic shotguns. Maybe not used to avoid, but one can reduce them to little meaty bits. Sister Mirose at the West Side Apostolate keeps these weapons in stock.


10. Take his/her electronic device away. Their glazed-over eyes, deafness to your voice, and APPS (Ass Permanently Planted on Sofa) will subside and they will return (hopefully) to productive, living and breathing forms of humanity. Oh wait, thinking of my teenager here.

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Book Synopsis for Transport:   The HURON, a 72-ton heavy transport vehicle and an army of four; tracked, racked and ready to roll, to serve and protect the walled metropolis of Grand Rapids—both her living and her undead. Captain Jacob Billet and his crew patrol the byways, ready for trouble.

William Lettner, the North Shore Coalition High Commissioner, has enemies from the mainland to the lakeshore and needs to be covertly transported home after his helicopter is shot down en route to Grand Rapids. He has no love for a city that give unliving civilians the right to survive. Lettner’s venomous outbursts assaults Billet and his crew along every mile travelled as they are assigned to safely bring him through the treacherous landscape outside the city back to his hometown.

The HURON and her crew will have to face domesticated zombies and the feral undead; marauders holding strategic chokepoints hostage; barricaded villages fighting for survival, and a group of geneticists who've lost control of one of their monstrous experiments if they want to complete their mission.

The crew will need to stay strong and trust one another in order to finish the mission and bring their “precious” cargo home, even knowing, all the while, the terrible deeds Lettner has done.

Travelling through West Michigan was never so dangerous.

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About the author:   Peter Welmerink was born and raised on the west side of pre-apocalyptic Grand Rapids, Michigan. He writes Fantasy, Military SciFi, and other wanderings into action-adventure. His work has been published in ye olde wood pulp print and electronic-online publications. He is the co-author of the Viking berserker novel, BEDLAM UNLEASHED, written with Steven Shrewsbury. TRANSPORT is his first solo novel venture. He is married with a small barbarian tribe of three boys.

Find out more about his works and upcoming projects at:


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